What it all boils down to....

Cancer Treatment Update and BB Opinion:

It's been awhile since I've had the energy to blog. Talking about my treatment seems daunting to be honest, and it takes a lot of energy just thinking about it. I'm ready for this hell to be over. I'm ready for my hair to grow back, to feel attractive again. Right now, I feel like an ugly, disgusting, scarecrow looking person. I have refused to take a single picture, and anytime I suspect someone took a candid one of me I immediately throw a fit and demand they delete any trace of it. I do NOT want to remember looking like this. Is it shallow? Probably. But after everything I've been through I want to cling to my "attractiveness" and "femininity" as if they were running out of style, which these days in my life they are. The only thing that makes me feel "good" is getting dressed up, putting make-up on, and curling my hair. Now that the hair is gone- I don't feel like doing the rest of it. THIS TRULY SUCKS!!!!

OK- now that I've taken a paragraph of my time to whine and moan , I would like to move onto a very pressing topic in my heart. I am an avid Big Brother watcher for those of you who don't know. My love for the show began during season 5. For those of you who don't know about the show- I don't want to be friends with you (kidding!). Actually, for those who don't know of Big Brother, in a nutshell, it is a social experiment where 13 (or more at times) strangers are locked inside a house- cut off from the outside world. Each week they compete for power, and food/living conditions. Week by week- they vote to evict each other and eventually one person is crowned the winner and the grand prize is $500,000 (which lets be honest is a measly amount of money compared to other game shows).

CBS Big Brother is in it's 15th season this summer, and is certainly not lacking in drama. Although a lot of the drama is different than in seasons past. This year- racism seems to be a key theme that keeps popping out. Several houseguests (although CBS in their editing is only illuminating 1 or 2 houseguests) have made many hurtful, painful racial remarks. One contestant, Aaryn Gries, seems to be taking most of the flack, but really, there are several houseguests who have made comments no better than Aaryn has.

It seems odd to me that racism is even a problem. Its 2013! I really never thought in my life my kids would be exposed to this type of behavior. After having this issue in my heart, I have a lot of questions of course, but one thing I know for sure is I am going to teach my children what life boils down to.... love.

How cheesy, right? Love. As if it were a cure-all pill. On second thought, maybe it is.

If you are following this blog you know I was recently, at age 24, diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Between the surgeries, doctors visits, chemo treatments, while those things all certainly help, the only thing that motivates me to do anything- is love. My husbands love, my kids love, my friends and familys love- LOVE! Loving me- despite my baldness- despite my horrifc state of mind- loving me in all my flaws- things I can change about myself- and things I cant.

I don't know what awaits some of these houseguests once they leave the house- but I can tell you one thing- the cycle ends with my kids. They will be taught to love EVERYONE no matter what! Things that people can change about themselves......and most importantly things people CANT change about themselves. We can't let the Aaryn's and the Spencer's win. We have a choice here- to be pissed off about the comments and complain about it all the time- or to channel that "pissed off" feeling into passion to make certain that our kids, grandkids, etc don't let the cycle of hate continue on tumble dry.

Can we change everyone- of course not! The sad fact of the matter is, some people can not be pleased and will continue to hate so long as it feels good. But that does not mean that we should bow down to it, stoop to that level, or be passive about it. We can't undo what's been undone. But we can learn from it! My hope is that this season of Big Brother has taught everyone what it truly means to "love" and just how precious of a gem it truly is.