If I could write a letter to me

Maybe it's the chemo I've started. Maybe it's being left alone all day with my thoughts. But I suddenly realize how negative I have been. Today, more than ever I realize how good I actually have it.

I have many people who I wish I could thank enough and it would square us. First and foremost, my husband, my "ruv", Ryan. He's seen the best and worst in me, and has never loved me less because of it. If I could wish for one thing for my kids, and for anyone for that matter, it would be that they find someone who loves them unconditionally. Un-conditionally. A term quickly lost in today's society. To say I haven't been a picnic to be around this last month and a half would be a understatment. To say that I'm just going to snap out of it one day and go back to normal is unrealistic. But my "ruv" has been the most patient, loving, kind, caring, and even-keeled man I've ever met. He's probably going to see some very ugly sides of me in the coming months. But I'm actually confident that it won't break us. Strange as it seems- our marriage is the only thing I'm certain of right now.

I also want to thank my kids. You are mommies favorite part of life Brynnlynn and Brydon. My favorite snuggle bunnies, my sweet morning alarm clocks. Kissing you goodnight, and smelling your baby shampoo hair is my only comfort right now. At least in life I did something right- you two.

Next, I would like to thank my family. My sister-in-law, who will be helping me and Ryan keep our kids entertained, and keep people updated as my treatments persist. She's taken on all of my housework, and she's even been my "hollywood gossip buddy". I could never do this life without here. My mother-in-law is someone else I'd like to thank. We have not had the greatest relationship. But she is the first person who came to the hospital (besides Ryan) and she apologized for everything- which is huge for her. She is not one to say sorry. And I am not one to let stuff go. It's a slow process, but I'm begging to appreciate her for who she is. And to always remember, she raised my husband to be the wonderful man he is. My father-in-law, grandparents, and my aunt have all been the greatest babysitters. I am so blessed by my family.

Lastly, I would like to thank ALL of my friends. My hometown besties, Chariss, Katie, and Alexi. Thanks for being so great to my family. For cooking us dinner on random nights, for doing laundry, for taking care of our pets. You are the best friends I could have ever asked for! To my online bestie- Amy: You have a huge heart, and I am so appreciate of your patience with me. You always listen to me vent, hear my stupid stories, and laugh at all my jokes.

To my wonderful friends at the UN and AABB: You are all people I could never begin to thank enough. Because you guys don't HAVE to care. You don't HAVE to love me. You don't HAVE to talk to me. But you chose to. I don't know why- I don't deserve it- but I'm sure thankful for it. Thank you all for understanding me. For making me laugh when I'm ready to cry, for making sense out of stuff that is senseless. For all of your different opinions, whether I agree or not, the way you present your opions respectively, creatively, and hilariously. Some of my happiest days are days when I've been stuck in bed just reading what you've all written.

I don't know when or even if this wave of postiveness will come back. That's why I wanted to write it all here. So I can go back and read it when this journey I'm on doesn't seem worth fighting for, and realize I have a lot to fight for.

All my love,

D.