I'm not a Princess, this ain't a Fairytale

It's different when it's you. You read stories, watch news clips, even documentaries and youtube videos. Friends send you prayer chain emails, a midnight phone call..... but when it's you...... it's different.

I've known many people in my life who have had cancer. My own husband's birth mother died of cancer after he was born. My heart always breaks when I hear of someone who has fallen victim to this awful disease. But when someone tells you that you have the disease....it's a different feeling.

Much like my husband's birth mother, I was pregnant when I was diagnosed. Knowing that being pregnant wasn't necessarily a reason for cancer to discriminate, I went into surgery knowing I could leave my husband alone to raise 2, potentially 3 children. Could he handle it? Could they handle it? Could I handle it?

So many questions. Very little answers. As I prepare to begin chemo, many thoughts cross my mind. "what if it doesn't work?" is the bigest question on my mind. As I look at my children, I ask myself, ten years from now, if I'm not here, will they even know me? I look at my husband. Ten years from now, if I'm not here, will he have found someone else to love? Someone else who loves him, and our children? I'm not ready to leave this- leave my family.

People tell me to be positive. But this isn't a lifetime movie. This is real life. Cancer kills people in real life. Cancer, could kill me in real life.

My heart aches more than my arms to hold my son. My son, who was the first victim of my cancer. My son, who lived for 18 weeks. My son will never know his big brother and sister. Brynnlynn would have loved him. Brydon would have been a good big brother.

I watch Cinderella with my 2 year old daughter sitting next to me. I watched Cinderella when I was a little girl. I wanted to be a princess like Cinderella. But, I'm not a princess. And this isn't a fairytale.