Sometimes, I feel like no one understands me. But then I feel like sometimes, I don't even understand myself. I find myself often questioning my feelings, impulses, and why I chose the life I chose. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids (Brynnlynn is almost 2 and Brydon is almost 1), and I love my husband more than life itself. But it's weeks like this.... moments like these...... and feelings this strong, that make me think that somewhere in my life I took a wrong turn.
At first, I thought having feelings like this made me a bad mother. Made me a bad wife. So I never let myself feel this way. And when I did feel this way. I would release these feelings the only way I knew how. By drinking. Wow, just writing those two words down, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. On the outside, I am this put together mother, and marine wife, who survives the impossible, and manages raising two kids, working part time, and still finding time to not gain a pound, for fear that if my husband returns to a fat girl, he will leave for someone better.
But the reality, I have been struggling with alcohol consumption for several years. More recently, has it began to really consume my life. To me, alcohol is my escape. It's the only thing in my life I can control. I can't control when my kids are going to go to bed, I can't control when my husband will be back from overseas, I can't control my emotions. But I can control my drinking. I can stop when I want to , which makes me think I may not be an alcoholic, but I don't have a desire to stop, which makes me think I am an alcoholic. I don't know what I am anymore.
I am sure a lot of you are reading this, judging me. Thinking how could I do this to myself, get wasted at night to numb my mind, knowing that my kids are very well asleep in the next room. Trust me, I am judging myself much more than you. Not a day goes by that I don't think someone could do this job better. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I was a better mother to them.
A lot of you know that I miscarried in November. I was about 15 weeks pregnant. I didn't keep that a secret, I was very open about that. What I wasn't open about, and what I have been hiding from all of you, is guilt. The night before the miscarriage, I drank half a bottle of wine. I am solely responsible for the death of my unborn child. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't stress from my husband being gone. It was my selfish choice to escape reality, rather than deal with the reality that I am someone's mother. I let my unborn child down. I let my husband down. I let my family down.
I have been going to counseling, and all that I've deducted from all of this so far is I am a mess. I am an emotional basket case. On the one hand it makes me grateful to have found a man to love me in spite of it. On the other hand, there's a fear in me that someday, it will be too much for even him to bear.
I am writing this blog because, I want everyone to know- that even when someone's life seems perfect. Even when it seems like, on the outside, they are completely together, on the inside, someone is screaming. Someone is raging angry at the world. Someone is consumed by fear, consumed by grief, and consumed with an idea that at the end of the day, someone could do your "job" at life better than you. Writing seems to be my only "healthy"escape at the moment. I will be posting several blogs throughout my journey, my journey of recovery. My journey of learning exactly who I am, who I was made to be, and who I hope to be. Thank you for joining me in that journey! This won't be the funniest, most interesting thing you've ever read, but I hope that if anything, I can inspire someone else who is fighting an internal battle, to start fighting it externally.
Love,
D.
